Being N.I.C.E. is Killing the People You Love

I Dont Care

… but you can change that.

 Most people let others off the hook because they want to be seen as a nice person and because we are conditioned to believe that calling people out is neither nice nor kind.

That is absolutely wrong!

Letting people get away with unreliability is one the cruellest thing you can do to anyone of any age because it teaches them to lie to themselves and break promises to themselves.

“Nice” is one of those words people use when they can’t think of anything positive to say, but don’t want to offend someone.

Maybe the following acronym will make you think twice next time you are considering giving someone an easy way out:-

Inside me
Enough to…

  • tell you you’re behaving badly and hurting or offending others
  • make sure you realise the consequences of your action (or inaction)
  • enable you to move forward and achieve your goals
  • set standards and hold you to them

“NICE” is really a polite way of saying, “I don’t care about you or your life.”

Is that really the person you want to be? Do you really care so little about your family, friends, colleagues, and clients?
…Or have you been brainwashed into thinking that calling someone out is kind, when it’s really killing you, your friends and family.
N.B. I’m not suggesting that you’re nasty to people, but lovingly honest, especially about their excuses.

It’s true, calling people (including yourself) out when they fail to:

  • Arrive on time (or at all)
  • Deliver on their promises
  • Give notice of changes
  • Complete projects
  • Take care of themselves

…is not particularly comfortable.

However, accepting those excuses and giving a non-committal response won’t help anyone make the changes they need to make to go the places they want to go.

Should I Let Him Off?

Recently one of my coaching clients showed up for a session unprepared. Normally he’s very diligent about completing his tasks, but this time he hadn’t even looked at them.

My first thought (after hearing about his week and the reasons he hadn’t completed the tasks) was to say, “Well, that’s okay, I’ll let you off this once.” But then I thought about the patterns in his life and business and the reasons he was coming to me for coaching in the first place. Although this was the first time in over six months, he had done this in the context of his coaching, breaking promises to himself was an underlying behaviour.

So I thought…

“Is letting him off the hook really the kindest thing I can do for him? Would I be breaking my side of the coaching agreement if I did so.”

Holding him to his commitment didn’t save me any time. However, the discussion we had helped him to realise some ingrained and unconscious behaviours that were holding him back from achieving his goals.

Carl Jung says, “That which was unconscious, when made conscious ceases to exist.”

When my client returned the following week, with his tasking thoroughly completed, he said this,
“Chandell, I was so furious when you refused to have our session last week! Even after you had talked to me and explained why you were doing so and how holding me to my agreement would actually help me get my outcomes, I was mad inside. As I drove home, I was looking for loopholes to get out of our coaching agreement, but then I realised why you had done this and I saw all the other areas of my life that I was undermining by this sort of behaviour. Thank you for caring enough to challenge me.”

Learning how to call others out when they are betraying their own principles is an important skill, it takes courage, commitment, and caring. It’s one of the reasons my clients work with me.

Have You seen my “The Secret of Making People Want to Work With You” webinar? Check it out here:

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