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“Motivation is something that you can largely control through the choices you make. Yes, it does take some effort on your part, but so does forcing yourself to push through without feeling motivated.”

You Feel What You See

Your world is translated in your brain as a series of pictures. These pictures filter your experience and the meaning it holds for you. When they are vividly coloured, have lots of detail and are close to you they have a direct influence on how you feel. When you dial down the sensory details, blur out some details, fade the colours and move the picture further away from you the urgency and emotion fades.

This means that you can control the intensity of your feelings by the way you allow these pictures to present themselves to you. It works just about every emotion and state both positive and negative, but here I want to focus on it’s influence on your motivation.

Dialing up Your Motivation: An Exercise

Imagine what would change if you could switch your motivation on at will in any area of life…

  • Your health and fitness – yes, you want to take care of your health and improve your fitness, but every time it comes to action your willpower fades
  • Your nutrition plans – of course you plan to eat healthy food and fuel your body, but how often do you make poor choices because your motivation has slipped away
  • That challenging project at work or home that demands all your skill and includes elements you actively dislike doing
  • Boring and routine tasks that you want to do well, but keep putting off or half-completing;
  • Unpleasant tasks that still need to be completed
  • Important projects that need to be worked on whether you are motivated or not…

I’m sure you get the picture. Some days motivation is right there bubbling away, other days it just doesn’t seem to be around at all but you still need to do things for pleasure, profit, or simply because they’re your responsibility.

EXERCISE:

  1. Visualise one of those tasks and bring a picture of the activity and its outcome on your mental screen (start with something you usually enjoy, but just can’t be bothered with right now – just for fun!);
  2. How do you feel about it?
  3. Now make that picture, brighter, clearer, and more excitingly vivid;
  4. Check in on your feelings again. Have they changed? Do you feel more motivated and energised about that thing?
  5. Bring the picture closer still, so it’s right there in front of you and check how you feel;
  6. Now zoom the picture far away across the room, let the colours and details fade out of the picture;
  7. Notice how your feelings about the activity changed;
  8. And then bring the picture back close to you and turn up the brightness and detail again.

Your Focus Transforms Your Feelings

The exercise above is not merely academic. It is a rapid and powerful way of transforming your motivational feelings. It takes less than a minute to generate a surge of emotion that will carry you through your day and duties with productive energy. All that is needed is for you to choose to make the change.

In reality, there are a lot of things in life that you can’t change. You can’t change other people. You can’t change your family members and you can’t always change the quality of your relationship with them either. You can’t easily change your work situation and the daily tasks that need to be completed, either. BUT…

You can change the meaning you give those things and the way you approach them!

The Marriage of Motivation and Engagement

In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) we often say “Energy flows where attention goes.” Imagine if you could focus your mind on a desired outcome and experience a surge of energy and motivation that overcame your resistance to starting and sustained you through your work day. Actually you can. I use this technique repeatedly almost every day to generate the momentum that is carrying my closer to my destination.

Not only does this simple technique provide me with motivation, it also helps me to engage more radically with my tasks. I usually find that engagement leads to better outcomes and my clients have made the same observation in their attempts because when we are disengaged from the task at hand we’re not the only people who put in less effort, those around us tend to care less as well.

Like anything else in life creating more motivation and engagement stems from a choice that only you can make: a choice to do what it takes to break through your own fog of indifference and apathy and summon the vision of your desired outcome… But why wouldn’t you choose to take such a simple and transformative step?

So, What Will You Choose?

You always have a choice, don’t you?

You can choose a response that gives more meaning to situations and people that make you happy, and less meaning to those that cause you stress and unhappiness… Or you can choose to let misery and inaction control your life.

A HOWTO Session brings clarity and helps you focus on what you really want so that you can make the decisions you need to make…. Like choosing to create motivation and engagement even when you don’t initially feel like it! Book your session now!

Book Your H.O.W.T.O. Session

“What you focus on changes your behaviour – for better or worse.”

~Chandell Labbozzetta

The Angle Changes the Meaning

I love drawing and sketching. It’s fun looking at ‘ordinary items’ from different perspectives because the angle you are viewing from affects how you see them and changing your perspective can complete change their meaning.

It’s the same in our lives. When you take a different angle on a familiar situation or behaviour you often discover something completely new. This is particularly powerful when it’s a question of addressing situations or people which cause you frustration because an apparently minor shift can create totally new possibilities.

Shift Behaviour by Changing Your View

In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) there is a simple technique that helps you shift your focus. Traditionally, it is used to help resolve inter-personal conflicts but it is also helpful in problem solving because it helps you look at your problem through new eyes which then opens up the possibility of new solutions.

Recently, I was at a personal development course and we were exploring our attitudes and reactions through a series of games that challenged us to shift our focus. The exercise forced me to look at my behaviour from different angles, and that simple shift caused it to change… in an empowering way.

What fascinated me most is that the change was brought about not by focusing on changing the behaviour itself, but simply by shifting my point of view.

A New Perspective Creates Unimagined Possibilities

Think about what this could mean for you (and for the world).

It’s a common aphorism that the thinking used to create a problem cannot also be used to solve it, therefore…

If you would like to find innovative solutions that may not require as much compromise, you need to step away from your current approaches and look for something new.

So, here’s a question for you: are there situations or behaviours you would like to change (or need to change), or so that in twelve months’ time you can look back and say, “Wow! I can’t believe how far I have come!”?

If so…

What Would It Take to Create a Completely Different Solution?

Here at LifePuzzle we believe that when a problem is created, a solution that is within your control is also created. Over the years we’ve worked with companies, teams, and individuals and helped them transform their outcomes… Even when change seemed impossible.

One of the characteristics of human beings is our ability to adapt and grow. When you realise that the reality you experience today isn’t something that has to be true tomorrow you are ready to take personal responsibility for change.

In our Corporate and Team programs we don’t just work with the group as a whole, we also work with individuals because each person has the potential to be the difference that makes the difference.

It all starts with a HOWTO Session that brings clarity and helps you focus on what you really want so that you can make the decisions you need to make. Book your session soon!

Book Your H.O.W.T.O. Session

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“We’re either winning or we’re learning = two good outcomes!”

Perfectionism is the Enemy of Success

Do you like it when everything runs smoothly and you can pat yourself on the back and tell yourself what a great job you did and celebrate your achievement?

I do… But that’s rarely how it plays out for me.

Most of the time, I finish a task and think about what I could improve and really dig into the details and beat myself up for every little “umm”, elongated pause, or stumble. On the plus side, that’s because I don’t want anything to get between my message and my hearers because I want to serve my audience, on the minus side, it means that I’m more focused on what I do wrong, than what I’m doing right.

Here’s the problem: that mindset is a recipe for failure and depression, not success and happiness!

I know I’m not alone in this response, it’s at the root of many people’s unwillingness to speak in public, to share their ideas and suggestions, and to take risks. Many of my clients are holding back from pursuing their dreams because they have forgotten that before you can do a thing really well, you need to start by doing it badly.

Let Me Illustrate…

At the end of November, I presented a live webinar: “How to Add 2 Extra Months to Your Year and Overcome the February Cash Crunch”.

I had everything set up and prepared well in advance, but part way through the webinar my internet cut out and I was cut off right in the middle of a sentence about how sometimes things don’t go the way you want them to…

The old Chandell would have got the webinar back online as quickly as possible and continued to present, all the while knowing that it was total disaster and that, like everything else she touched, would turn to ashes…

Today’s Chandell considered that line of thought… but remembered the group of people watching, and the questions and comments that had already come in from viewers. I knew that even if I didn’t get back online my viewers had got a heap of value and I took a moment to celebrate that while I was taking the steps needed to reconnect to the internet and continue.

One of the things that I celebrated was my own growth.

If You Don’t Like Who You Are Today… or Where You Are: Change!

Once upon a time in my life obstacles were just road blocks. They got in the way of what I wanted to accomplish. The frustration and tension had built up so far that I thought about ending my life, because I knew I would never be perfect.

Thankfully, I didn’t take that route. I discovered NLP and other resources that empowered me to celebrate who I was, and change the things that held me back so that I could empower others and facilitate their search for achievement and meaning.

Today I see obstacles as opportunities: opportunities for self-examination, growth, and service. You see, we all have the ability to change.

  • Who we are…
  • How we react…
  • What we do…
  • What comes next…

They’re all choices we make… choices we can change.

It’s one of the reasons why I enjoy conducting breakthrough sessions with individuals and group business coaching: both of these are paths to transformation of both yourself and your business. For all the talk around empowerment in the media and in education, they really don’t do a great job at modelling a growth mindset… it’s really all about process not achievement and that’s what many of my clients find so refreshing and freeing.

Of course, we use processes but they are a means to an end, not an end in themselves. For example, the reason that the 13-week Profitable Business Accelerator Program is so successful, is that the processes are a means to an end. Some of my clients may already have one or more of the processes in place, but they’re not getting results yet for one of two reasons:

  1. They’re so focused on the process that they forget about the outcome; and
  2. They haven’t yet implemented the process because they are afraid of failure;

Other clients are missing processes, but once the key elements of process + outcome + action are in place, the results are surprisingly quick and dramatic.

What Are YOU Waiting For?

Do you really believe that the person you are today and the business you have is the result you deserve and will have to live with for the rest of your life?

I’d like to respectfully challenge that belief. Now. Today.

No matter how good or bad your circumstances are, there is always more so why not make 2020 the year you stick your neck out and ‘go for gold’?

If you’d like some help on the business side of things, I have a new 13-week Profitable Business Accelerator program starting in February. Discover the details here: https://lifepuzzle.com.au/13-week-profitable-business-accelerator-program/

… OR Perception is Projection

Have you ever found life confusing and wished that you understood yourself better?

I find this NLP principle very helpful when it comes to untangling my emotions and responses to life and discovering a more empowering perspective. It’s very powerful in both your personal and professional life, especially if you are feeling threatened by unfolding circumstances or challenged by your performance targets.

So, what is it about and how can I apply it?

Perception is Projection: The NLP Principle

Essentially, this NLP principle describes the fact that what we see in others (especially the things that provoke our emotional responses) are inside ourselves. That is, we see and respond to the faults and failings of others with judgement and criticism based on their existence within ourselves. If we had no inner leaning towards that behaviour we would not see it in others.

This explains why parents are so quick to see and get upset about their children’s failures and flaws… a dispassionate observer would probably say, “Like mother, like daughter;” or “Like father, like son;” on most of them.

When I teach this principle someone in the group will invariably say, “But I can judge a murderer and I would never kill anyone myself.”

Really? When we explore possible scenarios eventually everyone acknowledges that while that would never be their preferred solution they could envisage a situation in which murder could be a justifiable response. In any case, that’s an extreme case, so let’s look at how you can apply this principle every day.

Where are Those Three Fingers Pointing?

When you physically point out a fault in someone else, there are still three fingers pointing back at yourself. This is not a reason to lower the standards of behaviour you expect from others, but it is a reason to examine your own behaviour and allow that sometimes people disappoint themselves as well as others.

In pursuit of quick solutions to self-esteem modern education and society encourages us to blame others for our failings (as if we need much encouragement to do this anyway). It may be comforting to think that we are ‘under-appreciated’, victimised, overlooked, etc. but that is an extremely disempowering way to live.

Perception is projection allows me to ‘feel’ that inferiority, insignificance, anger, resentment, and then look inside and ask, “Is there something inside myself that I need to deal with so that I can be happier, more productive, and more fun?” It’s not about feeling guilty, it’s about acknowledging my need to grow.

Using ‘Perception is Projection’

So, what can I do with this new way of looking at my responses?

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios to start you thinking:

  • Criticism/Feedback: Many people respond to feedback by getting angry or rejecting it completely. They simply have not mechanism for learning and growing from it. Next time someone criticises you or a job you have done, look at the emotions that well up. Are you defensive? Angry? Or…? Ask yourself where that emotion comes from and why you react that way. It is rarely an appropriate level of response to what actually was said or done. It may take a few tries to get a genuine answer, but the insight will help you grow and move forward.
  • Failure: Which takes you longer to move past: the realisation that you have not met your own standards, or the awareness that you didn’t meet someone else’s standards? The degree to which you hold on to your own failures is often a measure of how severely you judge others for their failures. A client who was almost viciously judgemental of others unpunctuality realised that this sprang from insecurity and a desire to control others. Once he recognised that, he was able to let go of intense anger in many areas and find physical and emotional healing.

A negative, defensive response to unwanted criticism or unpleasant circumstances and people is both natural and healthy. The question is what we do with that response and how we let it shape our future. When a bear is chasing you, running away is an appropriate response. Once you’ve outrun the bear, it’s a good time to stop and evaluate where you are before you run into something worse.

Use the ‘perception is projection’ principle to help you gain empowering insight into what you need to do.

Do You Need Some Help

We all get caught up in our heads. Sometimes we need some help from an objective ‘unreasonable friend’ to help us find a more empowering way of seeing our life and relationships. A H.O.W.T.O. Session help you do this, and much more. If you can invest 90 minutes and a small fee I can work with you to set your free from negative viewing patterns and set you on the path to the success that you deserve.

Book Your H.O.W.T.O. Session – Link to https://lifepuzzle.com.au/book-your-h-o-w-t-o-session/

Is the Universe Really Abundant?

What Does Success Mean to You?

Hold that image in your mind for a moment and ask yourself a couple of questions:

  • Is this a picture of something I want now, or does it represent something negative that I don’t want any longer? (eg. I want to be health vs. I don’t want to be sick)
  • Does it represent something I truly want myself, or something I believe I should want? (eg. A particular career, family situation, lifestyle…)

You need to be clear about your vision of what success means and to form that picture in vividly positive terms before you can expect the Law of Attraction to work for you. I suspect that the reason why so many people think it doesn’t work is primarily because they don’t actually know what they want. The second reason is that they don’t act in accordance with their desire.

The Law of Attraction

The universe is an abundant place. If you open up to the universe, it will give you what you need and want. First, you have to visualise what you need and want in your mind so that the picture is very clear. Your mind is like a magnet that will give you what you focus on which is why so many people seem to attract the things they don’t want… they think about negative  things so much that there is no room for success.

Everything is made up of energy, including your thoughts. Your unconscious mind is negatively charged. It will attract people, events and situations in the direction of your dominant thoughts, so you need a positive picture of what you want.

When you harness these two principles you will attract the things you really want into your life. Many of my clients come to me and say, “The Law of Attraction doesn’t work for me.” However, when we dig a bit deeper it turns out that they have been visualising the things they don’t want: “I don’t want to be poor.” “I don’t want to be fat.” “I don’t want to be sick.” etc. Once we turn those ‘away from’ goals into positive goals… and create an action plan, their outcomes are transformed.

Your Action Plan

You knew that was coming, didn’t you? Visualisation without action is just imagination. You can’t create until you do something.

What do you need to do, to move towards your vision of success? If you start with small steps, you’ll find it easier to create the momentum that will propel you forward to your goal.

Somehow, when I talk to people this is where they always get stuck, so here’s a quick exercise to help you:

What would need to happen for you to feel truly successful?

Do you have a picture?

Focus on this picture and ask yourself: “If I had this would feel abundantly successful and happy?” If not, what more would it take?

Tweak and refine this picture until you feel that you couldn’t make it any clearer, better, or more evocative, then set a reminder in your phone to prompt you to visualise it at least twice each day.

 

NOW…

What are three mini-steps that will create momentum.

#1 should be completed by end of this weekend

#2 should be completed during the following week

#3 should be completed by the end of the following weekend

#4… by now you should have created some momentum and set up the next few steps. Keep them in proportion so they don’t take weeks or months to complete.

“Momentum is the driving force behind achievement.”

Do You Need Some Help

Sometimes you’ve been so focused on what you don’t want for so long, that you need help to refocus and create a positive vision of success. A H.O.W.T.O. Session help you do this, and much more. If you can invest 90 minutes and a small fee, I can work with you to transform your outcomes and set you on the path to the success that you deserve.

Book Your H.O.W.T.O. Session 

The Secret Method few People Use

When I ask business owners what they want most, there are a few top answers including:

  • More time;
  • Better business skills; and
  • More profitable sales;

But when we boil it down, it really turns out that what they need is more appointments with qualified prospects… because that turns into less time wasted and more profitable sales.

I love the fact that this is their biggest desire, because the solution is right there in front of you: a piece of equipment that you already own and use often… your mobile phone.

It makes sense, when you think about it. Email and social media are overcrowded, you may even be overwhelmed by text messages, but when you call, you stand out.

Maybe you find cold calling intimidating… even terrifying. Lots of people do, including the team I worked with which was the basis of my book, “Confident Closing”. But, it’s a great way to create opportunities, make appointments, and generate income, and, if you use it in conjunction with social media and email, it doesn’t even need to be all that “cold”.

My 9-Step Cold Calling System

  1. Know your product or service inside and out;
  2. Make a list of all the reasons it would be worthwhile purchasing it;
  3. Uncover all the questions prospects might ask about it;
  4. Find meaningful answers to those questions;
  5. Create a script to explain your product or service, record that script, and learn it by heart;
  6. Think of 3 ‘hook statements’ you could use to introduce yourself. These are things you could say that would make your ideal prospect really curious about your solution and you can also use them if you need to leave a voice message. Have a 10 second version ready as well;
  7. Identify 10 people who would be ideal prospects.
  8. Mentally prepare yourself for the call and visualise a successful outcome.
  9. Pick up the phone and test your ‘hook statements’ and script by calling your prospects. Do this in a single block while you’re in the mood and have momentum. If a person doesn’t answer, leave a voice message using one of your ‘hook statements’.

You’ll notice this is not an effortless process – like most things that get results it takes real work and thought, but you’ll be surprised at how many appointments you can actually generate using this process…

I usually end up with about 8 or 9 appointments from every 10 calls, if I’ve chosen my candidates properly (and I often close almost 85% of my appointments), but anything over 3 out of 10 represents a significant number of potential sales and, if you’ve done a good job of outlining your product or service during the call, you can expect to close over 70% of your appointments.

80% of People Do This Without Realising What They Are Doing

People frequently come up to me after hearing me present this talk at seminars and say something like, “I love your message, but I can’t even find all the clustered beliefs that are tying me up in knots and stopping me from achieving my potential! What can I do?”

The question is triggered by their realisation that, like the majority of the population, circumstances and life experience have built up unconscious patterns that are sabotaging their success.

Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

Wendy, one of my clients had a problem with procrastination. She’s amazingly skilled at her core proficiency, and has deep skill in other areas as well, yet she’s constantly finishing things up at the last minute and racing the clock to fulfil her commitments. This isn’t great for her reputation, her health, or her own self-image.

Wendy had tried every productivity hack on the planet as far as I could tell, and every defeat dug the seeds of doubt and procrastination more deeply into her mind because they entrenched her belief about what she could and (mostly) what she couldn’t change or do. It was a classic case of “one step forward, two steps back” with the added twist that every one of these steps back gave her unconscious mind more ammunition to use against her.

Awareness is NOT Enough!

Even when Wendy realised what she was doing and the cost she was paying for it very little changed. As she said, “The power of my past is just too strong for me. Something happens, and before I know it the flow of habit sweeps me into that same sequence of self-sabotage. It’s not evil, or cruel, or morally outrageous, but it’s incredibly destructive… and I can’t beat it!”

BUT… There is a Solution!

On a Profitable Business Accelerator (PBA) live call a couple of months ago, we used a simple process to help each of our participants (including Wendy) let go of the clusters of beliefs and behaviours that were no longer serving them.

This is How it all Starts…

  1. An interaction doesn’t turn out the way you want it to… you lose a sale, break up with a lover, argue with a friend, are disappointed by your kids, break your mum’s favourite vase etc.
  2. Your itty-bitt-shitty committee tells you… what a bad person you are, how you always mess things up and fail, that you’re selfish, that you’ll never succeed in life, and your kids will end up a mess etc.
  3. A similar situation rolls around… and your itty-bitt-shitty committee leaps into action reminding you of all your past failures, horrible outcomes, and what a bad person you are;
  4. You follow the prompts made by your unconscious mind… and history repeats itself. Again, and again, and again, each time reinforcing your internal chatter and your external behaviour.

This pattern is developed early in life and your reactions are strongly influenced by the expectations and responses of people around you in early childhood. It can be reversed, but the usual way of doing so is one incident at a time: a slow painstaking process, that unfortunately is rarely effective because you deal with a couple of situations, but there are always new ones popping up and reinforcing the old patterns before they are obliterated.

The process we use is like peeling velcro apart: it rips all the hooks and claws apart in a few minutes so that you are ready for a fresh start the next time a similar situation emerges and can choose your behaviour freely. It sounds brutal, but it’s incredibly freeing.

As you know, I’m all about empowering my clients and facilitating their success. Nothing worthwhile comes without work, but if you can get your Unconscious Mind supporting you in the background (rather than sabotaging your efforts), then suddenly your work becomes easier and your results are more satisfactory.

If you’ve done your NLP Practitioner or Master Practitioner Certification with LifePuzzle you’ve already experienced the energising power of this process.

A Quick Self-Evaluation:

What patterns of behaviour are you are running that aren’t serving you?

Stop looking at them as individual incidents and notice how they cluster together.

When your itty-bitt-shitty committee starts whispering negative thoughts in your ear, ask yourself:

  • What is this particular situation or behaviour an example of? and
  • What can I learn from this situation or behaviour?

Once you spot connections and identify the clusters of similar behaviours you’ll be able to  dissolve them all using Time Line Therapy®  and create the future you really want.

When people ask me in sales trainings how they can turn their no’s into yes’s, I get a creeped-out feeling because the underlying assumption is often: How can I manipulate everyone into saying ‘yes’ to my sales pitch? And those are the kind of sales techniques that make sales people feel scummy.

The truth is that you want people to say no if your product or service isn’t right for them and you always want people to know that they can say, ‘no’ if the product doesn’t fit their needs or their budget. However, if you’re hearing a lot of no’s from prospects who really are qualified candidates then there are two underlying problems you need to consider.

The Two Main Reasons that People say ‘No’ are…

  1. Certainty: I’m not confident that your product or service is really the solution I need; and
  2. Trust: I’m convinced about the solution, but I’m not sure you are the right person to deliver it.

Either of these can be deal breakers… or at the least deal delayers, so it’s important to look at where those objections are coming from.

In the 13-week Profitable Business Accelerator course and with many of my private coaching clients we work on exactly HOW you can increase the levels of both trust and certainty in prospects to make it easier for them to say ‘yes’ with confidence.

Increasing Certainty

This affects your prospect’s confidence in your value proposition and reduces rejection on the basis of doubt and fear about your solution.

Indications that you need to work on building more certainty into your presentation are:

  • Questions about price;
  • Technical questions about specific features and benefits;
  • The prospect is looking at different solutions to the problem (rather than different solution-providers)

You can increase certainty in the value of your solution through your elevator pitch and your presentation. You know that you’ve done a good job (or that your solution doesn’t fit) when your prospect’s focus changes from “What will I do?” To “Who will I get to provide this solution?”

Increasing Trust

This relates to your prospect’s confidence in your ability to actually provide the solution. It may be based on their perception of your capacity and expertise, the degree of relationship and rapport they have with you, and their existing relationships with other providers of the same solution.

Indications that you need to work on developing more trust through your presentation are:

  • Questions about capacity and timing;
  • Questions about process;
  • Indications that they are talking to (or plan to talk to) other providers of the same solution.

You should work on increasing the level of trust you engender by ensuring that your appointment-setting script and follow up process builds your prestige and fosters relationship; that you presentation materials highlight your expertise, and by changing your proposal and post-appointment follow up process.

Learning how to build relationships that foster both certainty and trust is vital for your career as an influencer and high performer so if you’re hearing a lot of no’s during your week (sales, relationships, career etc), identify where they are coming from and take the necessary steps to engender more certainty and trust in those around you.

Once you do this, you’ll find it’s much easier to get to ‘yes’ and your sales closing rate will skyrocket.

… but you can change that.

 Most people let others off the hook because they want to be seen as a nice person and because we are conditioned to believe that calling people out is neither nice nor kind.

That is absolutely wrong!

Letting people get away with unreliability is one the cruellest thing you can do to anyone of any age because it teaches them to lie to themselves and break promises to themselves.

“Nice” is one of those words people use when they can’t think of anything positive to say, but don’t want to offend someone.

Maybe the following acronym will make you think twice next time you are considering giving someone an easy way out:-

Nothing
Inside me
Cares
Enough to…

  • tell you you’re behaving badly and hurting or offending others
  • make sure you realise the consequences of your action (or inaction)
  • enable you to move forward and achieve your goals
  • set standards and hold you to them

“NICE” is really a polite way of saying, “I don’t care about you or your life.”

Is that really the person you want to be? Do you really care so little about your family, friends, colleagues, and clients?
…Or have you been brainwashed into thinking that calling someone out is kind, when it’s really killing you, your friends and family.
N.B. I’m not suggesting that you’re nasty to people, but lovingly honest, especially about their excuses.

It’s true, calling people (including yourself) out when they fail to:

  • Arrive on time (or at all)
  • Deliver on their promises
  • Give notice of changes
  • Complete projects
  • Take care of themselves

…is not particularly comfortable.

However, accepting those excuses and giving a non-committal response won’t help anyone make the changes they need to make to go the places they want to go.

Should I Let Him Off?

Recently one of my coaching clients showed up for a session unprepared. Normally he’s very diligent about completing his tasks, but this time he hadn’t even looked at them.

My first thought (after hearing about his week and the reasons he hadn’t completed the tasks) was to say, “Well, that’s okay, I’ll let you off this once.” But then I thought about the patterns in his life and business and the reasons he was coming to me for coaching in the first place. Although this was the first time in over six months, he had done this in the context of his coaching, breaking promises to himself was an underlying behaviour.

So I thought…

“Is letting him off the hook really the kindest thing I can do for him? Would I be breaking my side of the coaching agreement if I did so.”

Holding him to his commitment didn’t save me any time. However, the discussion we had helped him to realise some ingrained and unconscious behaviours that were holding him back from achieving his goals.

Carl Jung says, “That which was unconscious, when made conscious ceases to exist.”

When my client returned the following week, with his tasking thoroughly completed, he said this,
“Chandell, I was so furious when you refused to have our session last week! Even after you had talked to me and explained why you were doing so and how holding me to my agreement would actually help me get my outcomes, I was mad inside. As I drove home, I was looking for loopholes to get out of our coaching agreement, but then I realised why you had done this and I saw all the other areas of my life that I was undermining by this sort of behaviour. Thank you for caring enough to challenge me.”

Learning how to call others out when they are betraying their own principles is an important skill, it takes courage, commitment, and caring. It’s one of the reasons my clients work with me.

Have You seen my “The Secret of Making People Want to Work With You” webinar? Check it out here: – https://businessgrowth.mykajabi.com/secret-people-want-work-you

… but you can change that.

“The only person over whom you can and should have total control is yourself. Don’t give that autonomy away… especially to people you don’t like.”

Have you ever said things like,

  • “I will clean the bathroom when my husband stops leaving his toothpaste on the bench?”
  • “I will wash the dishes when my kids stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink.”
  • “I will forgive my mum when she apologises for making my life hell.”
  • “I will talk to my brother when he stops telling lies about me.”
  • “I will raise my prices when the economy improves.”

Ok, so your version may be slightly different to the examples above and could well involve serious physical and emotional harm, but I hope they’ve got you thinking about the ways that you are making your transformation dependent on someone who doesn’t care about your happiness or doesn’t realise that you are dependent on them for happiness.

If you often say things like this, then you are dangerously vulnerable because you have made your happiness dependent on someone over whom you have no control. Even worse, that ‘someone’ is often either impersonal (“the economy”), uninterested in whether you write a bestseller or not (“your kids”), or potentially malicious (the perpetrator).

Don’t Make Your Happiness Dependent on Someone Else!

The truth is, the only person’s behaviour and attitude you can change or control is your own. Unless you have the force of the law behind you, you can’t make anybody apologise, repay, or otherwise recompense you for any damages that you have suffered… and outcomes-at-law are often disappointing as families of murder victims often discover.

If that’s the case, then doesn’t it make sense to ask how you can control and change your own outcomes, without waiting for someone else to take the initiative? And, doesn’t the thought that you could control your own destiny and well-being excite you?

Tough Situations Can Be Overcome

Before I tell this story, I want to make it 100% clear that I’m not justifying abuse, violence, war, or other horrors. Sadly, they happen… and our best efforts don’t seem to do much to stop them. The past is past, we can only change the present and (indirectly) the future. I’d be betraying my own integrity if I didn’t share what I know about setting people free from PTSD, trauma, and other emotional chains.

One of my clients had been abused by a relative when she was 8 years old. She was 48 when we started working together and the scars of that abuse were affecting her work, her marriage, and her kids, as well as her health. During our initial H.O.W.T.O. Session I asked her if she really wanted to release the hurt and anger she had been carrying for so long. She said, “Yes,” so we went straight into a Time Line Therapy® process.

Thirty minutes later, she walked out of my office looking 10 years younger. Over the next few months as we continued to work on the habits and thought patterns she had developed every area of her life started to change for the better. Her health improved, her relationships with her husband and children were transformed, and opportunities opened up at work where previously she had been frustrated.

As she said, “Chandell, I realised during the H.O.W.T.O. Session that I’d been letting this evil man control my life for forty years! As if his original actions hadn’t been damaging enough! I love what’s happening in my life now, but mostly I love the fact that using Time Line Therapy® I didn’t have to dredge through the memory in order to release it. Before that process I don’t think there was a waking hour when he didn’t come to mind, since then, I’ve got bigger and better things to focus on.”

To the best of my knowledge she’s never met her abuser again, so she never got the satisfaction she’d clung to all those years, but she’s free of his power anyway and she’s gone on to do amazing things!

No-one Will Ever Know… or Will they?

“I’m great at covering up my feelings, so my boss will never know I can’t stand him.”

“My husband will never know how angry I feel…”

“My sister-in-law won’t know how much I despise her…”

In NLP we talk a lot about the role of physiology in communication. Your physiology includes your deportment, your facial expression, and your tone of voice. If you are angry, resentful, anxious or in any way secretly unresourceful others will detect it. They may not know what they are picking up, but they will know that something is incongruent and they will respond appropriately.

Therefore, quite apart from the fact that you’ll feel much better about

  • yourself,
  • your life,
  • and the situations you are facing,

It’s important to deal with your negative emotions and limiting beliefs for the sake of your communication and relationships with others.

This is Not Just a Personal Issue… it Affects Your Sales

In my book, “Confident Closing: sales secrets that grew a business by 400% in six month and how they can work for you” I talk about the fact that we’re all in sales. Everyday you need to sell your ideas, opinions, skills, and knowledge to friends, family, and colleagues even if you aren’t officially in a ‘sales’ position. Your happiness does depend on your ability to this successfully.

Unacknowledged limiting beliefs are often the reason why you fail to sell yourself and your ideas. Your listener or prospect picks up on your secret thoughts of inadequacy and you end up sabotaging your outcomes without realising it.

Visualise your greatest dream or highest goal:

  • On a scale of 1-100, how convinced are you that you will achieve it?
  • If you didn’t score 100%, what or who might stop you from achieving it?
  • When did you decide that?
  • Now ask yourself, what is there about this situation that I can control and what do I need to let go of to make that happen?

Most people will make excuses for themselves and provide reasons why they can’t move forward. If that describes you, then you have some issues you need to deal with so that you can achieve your goals faster and with less friction. If you’d like some help or want to learn more visit the Personal Breakthrough Session page on this site or email Ken: [email protected] and ask him to send you information about booking a Time Line Therapy® session with Chandell. This powerful technique can help you quickly and easily disperse the negative emotions and limiting beliefs that are standing between you and your goals.

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