When I was young, one of my aunties used to give me the most ghastly presents for my birthday and Christmas, but my mum drummed it into me that the appropriate response was, “Thank you very much, auntie. It’s so kind of you to give me this lovely [whatever the gift was].”
I can’t say that I appreciated her advice at the time, but I was smart enough to follow it anyway because I knew what my mum would put me through if I didn’t. As she said, “Your auntie spent time and thought on that gift and even if you re-gift it you can at least say thank you nicely when you receive it.”
As an NLP Master Trainer, we taught the students at NLP Trainers’ Training to do the same thing with feedback on their performance: say thank you, and consider what had been said, because they were there to learn and when you’re learning something new, the best course to follow is to do what you’re told… once you are achieving successful outcomes you’re in a position to experiment with different approaches.
The honest feedback was designed to help people grow and achieve their goals, but for most students the first response was defensive argument. As a Master Trainer, I learned how much thought and care it took to give constructive negative feedback to other people so I now have a great appreciation for the effort it takes to give useful criticism. It’s so much easier to simply say, “Good job.” Or “Great effort.” But it doesn’t help the other person progress.
Let’s face it, there’s always a next level to aim for and constructive criticism – another person’s perspective – is more likely to help you get there than meaningless praise.
By all means use the ‘feedback sandwich’ method (praise, correction/challenge, praise), but don’t leave out the ‘stretch feedback step’ because that is actually the biggest gift you can give a person. Praise may give you a warm, fuzzy feeling, but it won’t ultimately help you to become the person or develop the skills that you really want and need.
The term ‘feedback’ is often synonymous with criticism, but it’s actually a neutral word. You do or say something… and you get a response, which equals feedback.
The two most important things to remember are:
So, here’s the best way to receive feedback:
Defensiveness and argument is hardly ever an appropriate response.
Take a moment to watch the video below where I expand on this idea of feedback as a gift. I share a simple approach to receiving feedback by saying thank you, taking it away to assess, and deciding what to do with it, rather than reacting or justifying in the moment. It’s a practical way to open yourself up to learning, growth, and that next level we are all working towards.
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